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Editor's note: Although ninety nine percent of the articles on Pet Tails are written by me, this one, written by my sister, earned special placement because it made me laugh out loud. (I did contribute a couple entries, as did Jana Novak.) Dog owners, boarding kennel owners, dog walkers and other "dog people" will undoubtedly understand.
~ Susan Daffron
Like everyone else, I spend a certain amount of time each day thinking about the crap in my job. Unlike many other people, because I'm a dog walker, the crap is literal. Yes, I'm talking about dog poop. So for those who have always wanted to hear the poop on poop, here ya go: a dictionary of poop terminology. And as an added bonus, a list of some "dog walker code words."
The Doggie Dictionary
Poop Dance: The stopping, circling, crouching, or, sometimes indefinable gleam in the eye that alerts the walker that this is not just a sniff or pee break, but that the great poop cometh.
Variation: Poop Tail: When the dog holds his tail at a slightly different angle, alerting you to what's next.
Tandem Poop: When two dogs stop to poop at the same time.
Group Dump: When multiple dogs participate in the output party.
Phantom Poop: Dog assumes the position, but produces nada. Alternatively, if the dog is pooping in high grass, the poop disappears, apparently swallowed up by the weeds.
Perfect Poop: Pooping early in the walk in a quiet public area near a public trashcan (not, for instance, on someone's front lawn while the owner gives you the evil eye) and producing non-squishy, relatively stink-free, easily scooped poop.
Variation: Upper Crust Poop: as in, it's a bit hard like diamonds.
Hell Poop: Gaggingly odiferous diarrhea all over a household, in which the owner had hid all the cleaning supplies and paper towels in some unidentifiable location.
Poop Snatcher: Dog that is too interested in the poop of others, and will chow down if you're not paying attention, which can result in the most horrifying hell poop imaginable
Poopsicle: Frozen poop that must be chipped out of the snow/ice. (Sometimes a favorite of poop snatchers.)
Poop Deck: Poop on hard surfaces like sidewalks, patios and decks.
Mobile Poop: Dogs that walk forward while pooping, produces a trail of poop (aka breadcrumbs poop).
Pooped Out (adj.): As refers to a dog, wanting to return home immediately after pooping, even if the critter has another 20 minutes of walking.
Multiple Pooper: Dogs that poop more than once on a walk, especially if true on a regular basis.
Alpha Pee Game: When the dogs in the group must constantly pee over each other's pee / markings, sometimes to the extent you're standing in one place for several minutes.
Technicolor Poop: When a dog has clearly gotten into something, affecting its poop color.
Mystery Poop (see also "Technicolor"): When a dog has clearly gotten into something, and you can't resist trying to guess what the items in the poop might be.
Bag Failure: The unfortunate realization that there is a hole in the poop bag.
Poop and Run: Dogs that flee their own poop at high speed (as well they might)
Land Mines: Turds left by less fastidiously cared for critters.
Waterballooning: Returning home and drinking gallons of water, so the dog is about to burst right when the owner returns home.
Dog Walker Code Words:
Chatty: Barked incessantly.
Energetic, Enthusiastic, Exuberant: Your dog is completely out of control.
Feisty: Barks at squirrels, mailmen, other dogs, nothing.
Fussy: Tried to eat another dog or the walker.
Boat Anchor: Dragging way behind the pack.
Protective: Growls and/or scary and/or foaming at the mouth.
Sidewalk Snacking: Eating anything found on the sidewalk.
Variation: Hoovering.
"Leash manners need work": That is, your dog tried to pull me down the street, and I think my shoulder is dislocated.
"Your dog was incredibly happy to see me today": Your dog nearly knocked me over (or actually did so!) when I came in the door.
"Very possessive": Your dog nearly took off my finger / hand (or did so!) when I tried to take something (usually a chicken bone found on the sidewalk) from him or her.
"Was a homebody today" (see also "pooped out"): I virtually had to drag your dog down the street to keep them out for 30 minutes as they tried to pull me back home instead.
"Grouchy mood" or "woke up on the wrong side of the bed": Your dog snapped at me and then every dog, squirrel, deliveryman, etc that crossed our path today.
"Played With [insert name here] a Little Too Rough": Attacked
"Enjoyed some keep away tag": Dog slipped out of his harness and wouldn't come back giving me a small heart attack.
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